Platitudes Fail
A Latter-day Saint Woman’s Experience On Why Words Alone Are Not Enough
Delighted to have a guest post today from the incomparable and insightful Anne Pimentel. Follow her on Instagram at the.vision.beautiful.
“We LOVE the women in the church!” “[Women] just don’t fully understand the meaning of the words in the temple.” “Men have the priesthood, but women have motherhood!” “You are making something out of nothing. I have never felt second place in the church.” “Women are more spiritual than men.” “Women, we need you!”
In 2015, Fiona Givens gave a beautiful speech at the Affirmations Annual Conference. She spoke about Jesus Christ and how he invited us to pick up our crosses and follow him. Givens pointed out that these crosses can be heavy burdens that we carry and when one stumbles beneath the weight of their cross, the only way to truly help them is to reach out and touch their cross as you help them lift it. She taught that offering simple words of comfort does not help. “Platitudes fail. It is only when we touch the pain that we are in a position to enter that second covenant: to mourn with that person. It is only then when we can truly comfort.”
Not only did this speech inspire me to start wearing a cross, as a reminder to reach out and help my siblings who struggle with the crosses that they bear, but it also brought my attention to the harmful use of platitudes. Platitudes are statements that are often trite or meaningless that are used to comfort or quell uneasiness in place of actions that will actually comfort and initiate change. When platitudes are consistently vocalized and repeatedly used, they tend to lose any power or importance that they may have once held.
Platitudes are a form of spiritual gaslighting. They treat symptoms but not causes. They put the burden of resolution on the woman. They signal to women that those who make decisions don’t really want to change anything. They attempt to silence women and reward those who don’t speak up about their discomfort. And they increase our feelings of loneliness in a church that preaches belonging. And I’ve been hearing them for years.
Spiritual gaslighting
I try to show up honestly and authentically at church. In my spiritual and religious life, that is a value I have put at the forefront of my engagement with the church. I remember a particular Relief Society lesson where I attempted to be vulnerable and share a personal experience. As part of my comment, I shared my very personal feelings that I had felt undervalued and underutilized as a woman in the church. I shared about my struggle to reconcile what I believed to be an equal collaboration between my Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father, standing side by side and equally powerful, with what I see in the church as an unequal and imbalanced positioning of men and women. A woman immediately shot her hand up and said that she had never felt second in the church and she doesn’t think that women are held back at all. This probably was a very uplifting and proud moment for her, but not for me. Her words cut into me and made me doubt my own lived experience. Her apparent intent was to tell me that I was wrong or somehow less than because I didn’t live up to what she believed about the situation. This and similar messages build up over time and pressure women to distrust their own spiritual authority and instincts. It subtly teaches her to not have a personal connection with her Savior and the Spirit and to only trust in the male leaders who have stewardship over her.
Treat symptoms, not causes
We have all heard the admonition to “pray more” or “attend the temple more often” when we are struggling. There is no doubt that those things CAN bring peace, but just doing those things does nothing to solve the actual problem. They do not address any of the institutional or structural issues that women face. Especially when a “fix” like attending the temple is placing a woman squarely in a location where she may feel acute pain. For me, and many others, the temple highlights some of the glaring issues of inequality and silencing that many women face in the church. So repeatedly encouraging attendance as a solution to a woman’s pain is like putting a band aid on an infected wound. The injury is not healed, and possibly the infection will go deeper and cause more long-term problems.
There is something to be said about a woman turning to her Heavenly Parents for peace when things are hard, but if decision makers are not working toward any actual solutions, she will continually return to or be reminded of the pain that she initially felt. It doesn’t just go away.
The burden of resolution
Recently, a female former church leader was being interviewed about changed wording in the temple ordinance (a very important change!). She talked about how she and other female leaders were part of a group that informed the male leaders on certain words or phrases that were possibly challenging to women. She said that some changes were made, but that the doctrine did not change. She said that the problems with the old wording, “was a total misunderstanding.” The problem is, we knew what the words meant. We did not misunderstand their meaning, nor the structural implications of those words. But we had the burden of responsibility placed on us to deal with the paradox that arose when those harmful words were used. And even though the wording changed, the doctrine (which can also be challenging, especially in the way that it is interpreted and practiced) remains the same. Women are constantly told that if they were more spiritual, understood better, or prayed more, like mentioned before, then we wouldn’t have any of these concerns. But the system stays the same. As lay sisters in the church, we have no ability to make structural changes without a man agreeing to those changes. And yet, the burden is placed on us to come up with a resolution to the problem. And actually, if we look at it a little more deeply, we are responsible for figuring out how we deal with the issue or get past the issue without actually addressing or resolving the issue.
Do decision makers actually want change?
Women are all too familiar with this scenario, but most men don’t see it as a problem. Picture with me, you walk into the chapel, ready to be spiritually fed. As you sit in the pew, you look up on the stand and see three or four young men sitting at the Sacrament table. Your eyes scan to the stand. The three bishopric members are ready and in their seats. Often one or more of the Stake Presidency will be joining them. Your eyes scan a little more and there is a young man waiting for his time to speak. An adult man sits next to him and is chatting with the high councilman who is assigned to speak in your ward that day. Often a woman will be playing the organ and another preparing to lead the congregational hymns, but it is not unheard of to have these positions filled by men. A sea of dark colored suits sits austerely before you. The meeting runs smoothly and you hear messages about business interactions, sports metaphors, and outdoors adventures, hopefully sprinkled in around mentions of Jesus. Can you be fed by the Spirit in these meetings? Of course. Is your soul actually fed? Not so much. It’s hard to relate to.
These types of meetings are not uncommon. Some wards have them more frequently than others. After I sat through one a few years ago, I connected with a bishopric member to encourage including women as much as possible. He brushed off my concern and said, “We prayed about who should speak,” essentially shutting down the conversation because we know prayer and revelation surpass everything. What he didn’t realize his message conveyed to me was that including women in the speaking schedule each week was not a priority for him. No extra effort would be made. To him, my concern was meaningless.
President Spencer W. Kimball told his son that while the temple and priesthood ban was in place, church leaders were actively asking for and seeking revelation. He said, “I believe most revelations would come when a man is on his tip toes, reaching as high as he can for something which he knows he needs, and then there bursts upon him the answer to his problems.” President Russell M. Nelson said, “Good inspiration is based upon good information.” To me, it seems like the key in both of these comments is that there is a question or concern and the person is actively working on it, whether by praying specifically about it or engaging in conversations with others where a person could influence their decision. And this is where I have to ask, are the Brethren seeking revelation in regards to women? Are they actively taking the disparities and inequalities that women face structurally and doctrinally in the church to the Lord? They may be. I have no way of knowing. It would be nice to know that they are working on it, if they are.
Silence the concerns and reward the loyal
I have already shared a few ways that I have felt silenced by other probably well intentioned members. This might be one of the trickiest instances with platitudes. The person saying the thing often thinks they are offering comfort or providing a plausible answer/solution to the problem. But what they don’t realize is that they are conveying the message that feathers have been ruffled, the boat has been shaken, and they need to end the conversation to restore “peace.” Women are conditioned in and out of the church to be agreeable, patient, and long-suffering, so when one decides to *finally* speak up, it really can shake the boat for everyone! For most of church history (and American history) women who advocate for themselves and others are seen as unruly, loud, abrasive, and troublemakers. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that platitudes are used to silence “these” women.
A number of years ago, I sat in a multi-stake women’s conference where we heard from a General Relief Society leader. As she began to address some of the difficult issues women face in the church, my heart sank with the disapproving overtones in her words. Then she said something to the effect of, “Any woman who struggles in the church or wants more as a woman in the church is being deceived by Satan.” My heart was crushed. Any woman sitting in that room who had even an inkling of uneasiness about their role or position in the church was effectively told that Satan had hold of their lives. In my experience, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
On the other side of the coin, women who do NOT have concerns, aren’t aware of any issues, or at the very least, don’t voice any concerns are rewarded with callings and opportunities to sit at the table. They are seen as good and faithful women who are doing it “right.”
When staying quiet is seen as faithfulness or righteousness, you can see why many women who see very real disparities struggle to find their place in the church.
Loneliness and belonging
One of the most beautiful things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the community that comes with membership. We are a service-oriented people. We help each other move, provide meals, foster friendships, and look after one another. We have a shared goal of Zion; a place or state, according to Elder Todd D. Christofferson, we will achieve after we, “(1) become unified in one heart and one mind; (2) become holy people; and (3) care for the poor and needy.” I truly believe this is a goal that many Latter-day Saints share. Everyone wants to belong somewhere in a community that will care for them physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
For many women, it is especially hard to feel this kind of care within the church. So often we are dismissed and/or silenced. When a woman, like myself, brings her true self, her authentic understanding and connection with Heavenly Parents, coupled with her frustration and pain from the systems within the institution of the church, she is looked down on. It feels very isolating, as if everyone is working to build Zion, but some people aren’t allowed in because of their perspectives. Can we truly create Zion if we are actively, even if unintentionally, pushing people away?
It is increasingly difficult to show up each week and be surrounded by people who refuse to see, acknowledge or address the pain and very real disparities I am experiencing. I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel valued.
So, what do we do?
As lay members of the church, what do we do? We can’t make sweeping changes. Of course I hope the leaders of the church are truly listening, seeking, pleading, and working toward change. But in the meantime, what happens? As a woman, all I can do is to continue to speak up and advocate for myself and my fellow sisters.
Men in the church, whether you are in a leadership position in your local congregation or not, you can listen to and believe women. Don’t require her to prove her pain. If she has trusted you enough to share her pain, you can rest assured that it is real.
You can also work to educate yourself on women’s concerns and perspectives in the church. There are incredible books, podcasts and social media accounts to learn from. The truth is, you will never understand what it is like to be a woman in the church. Listening to women who are living through the pain and struggle will be vital. Even President Nelson, after hearing honest feedback from female church leaders about a talk he was preparing to give said, “I don’t understand what you’re telling me. I don’t feel that little sensitivity at all, but I trust you.” And then he made the suggested changes. Trust the women who are voicing their concerns. You may not be able to make structural changes in your ward or area, but through collaboration and partnership with women, you will be able to make improvements to help women know that they are heard and valued.
As Fiona Givens said in her 2015 speech, “As we enter the waters of baptism, we covenant to bear each other’s burdens. [Upon seeing someone stumble under their cross] you bend down to help that person with the burden, of necessity you must touch that cross. It is only then that you understand the nature and the depth of the pain that person is carrying.” You have to get close. Move in. Listen. Learn. Believe. Stand up for women even (or especially) when we aren’t in the room. It may be uncomfortable for you, but that’s okay. Sit with your discomfort. Learn from it. And then follow through over time. Check in, not with the mindset of “fixing” her, but rather to truly minister to and collaborate with her.
Women are leaving the church in very high numbers. It isn’t because we are weak, losing our faith, or because we don’t have a deep connection with our Savior. It is because we have been told for decades that we matter, we have value, and we are needed, and yet very little has changed for women in the church to show us that is true. We have been absorbing platitudes and feigned kindness for years. The platitudes keep failing us. We deserve to be heard and believed. We deserve to have the men around us, in our families or in leadership, choose us instead of prioritizing the institution or providing a quick notion of insincere comfort.
That’s not too much to ask. It’s actually the very least that love requires.
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